pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
