sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
