12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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