I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
