So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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