I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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