1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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