She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i came on her dog
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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