Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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