how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
