Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
