Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
