We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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