She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
