I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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