I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
