Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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