I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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