when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
