i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
