I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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