My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
