hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
