I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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