So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
