I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
