anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
