i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
