OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
