Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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