your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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