If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
