yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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