the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
