Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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