Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
