I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
