I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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