Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
what day is it and did you see me today?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
