Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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