Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
