Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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