Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
