My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
