I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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