cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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