Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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