Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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