Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
