my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
