i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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