saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
