i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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