So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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