I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
