I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
