So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
