Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
