i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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