Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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